Everyone tells me I am so mean! They have a hard time seeing that THEY are being mean telling me that I am mean! When I decided to try to live my life as art without artifice, (being emotionally vulnerable, namely trying to avoid any and all ego and drama) I figured it would be hard, but it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to live this way, because everyone, well almost everyone, wants to see me as a kind of anti-social monster! Only because I can laugh at almost everyone else, I am able to go on, otherwise, if I took everything that has and is happening to me, I would ABSOLUTELY (instead of relatively) go insane!

When you live your life this way, EVERYONE and EVERY THING becomes humorous. For instance, I am constantly told that I need to help others. It is as if instead of deserving to help myself, this is unacceptable selfishness. I am told that I am so uncaring and unempathetic, as though it is kind and empathetic for others to MAKE such a judgement! I attribute their statements about ME to PROJECTION and I can therefore laugh about their judging ME because they are really judging themselves!

Occasionally, when or if I dare to “slip up” and become defensive, (which I avoid at all costs unless it is a life or death instance), and say something like: “Well, in order TO help others I have to first take care of ME”, I am told that if I use all my power and all my energy to help others, then those acts of selflessness will AUTOMATICALLY, MAGICALLY, MYSTICALLY, etc., result in “The Secret” of me being EXPERTLY, AUTHENTICALLY, EXISTENTIALLY taken care of!

Now I realize that if I had my life to live over again, I would do things differently. If I could be a kid again, I would have the presence of mind to speak up for myself. When I was about 4 or 5 years old my mother said to me “I wish I never had you”! In a “re-do” of that moment I would have said, “But Mom, instead of you having me, I had you!” Or perhaps I could have said in response to “I wish I never had you”, “Please Mom, could you say that without the negative, could you say what you wish you did have”?

I recall once being the center of attention for a language mistake I innocently made. That language mistake may have set me on the course to what has become my life pattern of being misunderstood and/or laughed at for turning things around, “topsy turvy”. We were all eating corn on the cob and I asked for more cob on the corn! I later learned there is a ACADEMIC term for what I said: CHIASMUS!

I hardly can blame (who would listen anyway?) my parents for emotional abuse, I guess I deserved it, especially after I deliberately, according to my Mom, scratched her eye as an infant or toddler. I may have wanted to grasp the lovely blue color in her eye! Ever since that fateful day or night, or whenever that happened, my Mom was unable and/or unwilling to forgive me, and so the course was set for my life punishment: I was to be the absolute sacrifice to all for all.

I was to be the first (?) person to endure the unendurable and I was to be the first (?) person to endure the unendurable WITHOUT any benefits to any endurance I endured! But I fooled everyone, I did get a benefit! I can laugh at almost everyone and everything! I PAY MYSELF BACK WITH HUMOR! It is an unrecognized limitless “currency!” I laugh all the time at everyone who criticises, or misunderstands or laughs AT ME, (there are some people who laugh WITH me, as I hope, dear reader you are doing.)

My “theme song” now, is a revision of “Make Someone Happy.” My mission in life is to try to accomplish what may be the impossible:

Make EVERYONE happy
Make sure you make EVERYONE happy
Make EVERYONE’S heart the heart you sing to
It’s EVERYONE’S smile that cheers you
It’s EVERYONE’S face that lights when it nears you

Fame if you win it
Comes and goes in a minute
Where’s the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer
Sweet sweet love is the answer
Once You’ve found love
Build your world around love
Make EVERYONE happy
Make sure you make EVERYONE happy
THEN you DESERVE to be happy too.

By arnia